The Conspiracy of Silence

Victim to Victor

True Stories from the Trenches

Let The Little Children Come Unto Me	Recently I was contacted on behalf of a small ministry. Its pastor had a son and a daughter that were elementary school age. The family and ministry was torn apart when it was discovered that a member of their church had fondled the boy and raped his younger sister. Would I be willing to help? There could only be one answer to that question, of course I'm willing to help. As I hung up the phone I began to experience a familiar emotional conflict, gratitude and anger.
A Word Of Encouragement	Years ago my life was changed forever when my teenage stepdaughter heard you speak. Because of your message, she shared an incident that involved her and her brother. She was 7, and he was 5, when it happened. Because of your message, we went to Social Services and we were able to protect all the children from any more abuse from the teenager who lived with their biological mother.
Default Settings	I know that they would not consciously make this choice, but when their default setting kicks in their stance becomes, “We are more comfortable leaving the children and youth of our church vulnerable to sexual violence than we are addressing them on sexual abuse. Therefore we are going to ignore this epidemic in our society.”
Response To Default Settings	I was abused, verbally and physically by my Mother. If you had not brought out the fact that verbal abuse is actual abuse, I would not have chosen the treatment that I now seek. God is setting me free because I was free to believe that sort of childhood was abusive. Before, I was told by the church that to seek counseling meant lack of faith and that someone like me was just feeling sorry for herself.
Safe At Last	There was a woman with a five-year-old daughter visiting that evening whose family had a seemingly innocent bedtime ritual, every night Daddy would bathe her, then Mommy would tuck her in bed. What Mommy didn't know was that during the bath time her husband was fondling their daughter! Not knowing what his daughter had learned that evening at church, Daddy molested her again that night during her bath time. This time the results were different, because of what she had learned from our ministry that evening, when Mommy tucked her in bed for the night, she told her what had been happening.
A Letter From One Of Our Supporters	When Russell was 5 years old, he was raped by a teenager in his neighborhood. He was told that if he told anyone, his legs would be broken and his mother would be killed. So he lived with the pain and the lifestyle that developed from it for 18 years before his mother knew about it. By then it was too late. He had already contracted the HIV virus.
A Home Grown Victim	She was in tenth grade. I had just finished an assembly in her high school on Sexual Abuse & Prevention. She had heard me teach, "You cannot grow your own victims, parents cannot do anything they want to their children." Now she stood before me with tears streaming down her checks, and a tortured pain in her voice. Her father had first forced sexual intercourse on her when she was in seventh grade; it had continued several times a week for three long years. "Please help me," the plea came from the depths of her tormented soul.
New Life in Christ!	There's something about the word "new" that fills me with anticipation. The word "new" implies that it hasn't been messed up.
Freedom Through Truth	He was twelve years old, one of over three hundred students present when I presented an assembly on Sexual Abuse and Prevention. He slipped back into the auditorium to talk to me only after everyone else had exited. He took a deep breath, then the words began to gush out of him. "My uncle began to molest me when I was five years old," he stammered, obviously embarrassed. "He didn't stop until I was eight. The last couple of years, . . . well, I've been scared." I was pretty sure where he was going with this, but I knew he had to verbalize it. "Why have you been afraid?" I asked. His embarrassment intensified. "Because I've heard jokes about gay people, and I wonder, 'Why did he pick me?' I use to think maybe I was gay, especially when somebody would say, 'It takes one to know one.'"
A Child’s Commission	She was around seven years old, blond, blue eyed, with a peaches and cream complexion. It appeared that she had been dressed in her Sunday best by a loving mother or grandmother, but appearances can be deceiving. Her pastor later told me that no parent or grandparent had dressed her; she had started attending his church of her own accord. She dressed herself and walked to church, never missing a service. With my heart breaking in anticipation of what I knew I would hear, I knelt down on one knee and asked her what she desired prayer for. Without a tear in her eye and only the smallest of tremors in her voice, she told me that the things I had been teaching about that night had been done to her.
The Counsel of the Wise Promotes Health	Her life and family had seemingly been destroyed in one swift moment. She had made a devastating discovery; her husband was sexually molesting their children. For the sake of her children's safety she had to take swift action, with the help of a local Rape Crisis/Domestic Violence Center, she moved into a women's shelter with her kids.
Forgiveness Versus Trust!	After years of domestic violence, she had been beaten so badly that it required her to be hospitalized. Upon release she sought out a local domestic violence center. . . . Desiring spiritual support, she called her pastor from the safety of the shelter. . . . His counsel? "I've ministering to your husband this morning. He's repented, it's time for you to forgive him and move back home." Within twenty minutes she was packed and on her way. . . . . What possesses Christians to give toxic counsel like that? They confuse forgiveness with trust.
The Heart Of God	Survivors of sexual abuse feel dirty and defiled; therefore they feel that God views them that way as well. Victims of ongoing domestic violence have had their self-esteem utterly destroyed to the point that they feel unlovable by both man and God.
A Divine Appointment	"I need to talk to you," ... "What can I do to help you?" I inquired. "I'm in the navy," he explained. "I'm going home on leave next month, and when I get there I'm going to kill my brother-in-law." "What has he done to deserve such a fate?" I asked. "I've just found out that he has been physically abusing my sister their entire marriage. At this very moment she is in the hospital from the latest beating he's given her!"
Jesus Came To Heal The Brokenhearted	Who are the brokenhearted? Those who are suffering from chronic depression. Jesus came to heal those who are suffering depression, an affliction that is common to most survivors of sexual abuse and prolonged domestic violence! "To set at liberty those who are oppressed, . . ." One of the definitions for oppress is to keep down by the cruel or unjust use of power, to tyrannize over. To tyrannize over, . . . the dictionary defines tyrannize with these words, 1. to govern as a tyrant 2. to use authority harshly or cruelly, to oppress.
Don't Let Headship Go To Your Head!	Headship in the Christian family is usually taught from the prospective that man, as the head of the family, is the "boss." The end result of this mentality is that many carnal Christian husbands use their position of headship as an excuse to manipulate, control, dictate and rule over their family. What they fail to recognize is this, God does not promote that we might rule and dictate, but rather, that we may serve.
Emotional Blackmail	"My husband told me that if I didn't drop the charges, he would tell our children that it is my fault he was sent to jail!" It is not uncommon for men who have been released from jail on parole to tell their wife or girlfriend that if they report them to the police for domestic violence that their parole will be revoked, and it will be their fault they are sent back to prison. WRONG! I can think of only one-way to describe this type of satanic manipulation . . . emotional blackmail. The perpetrator seeks to make you the fall guy, the heavy, the villain.
God's Healing Love	Love . . . the desire of every human heart is to love and to be loved. Yet multiplied millions of God's children have been so deeply hurt and devastated in the name of love that the words, "I love you" create fear and apprehension instead of security and fulfillment. Their exploitation in the name of love makes them wary and suspicious of anyone who proclaims to love them.
You Are Never To Blame	I was surprised to see her at the workshop. She looked to be about 15 years old. My Religious Roadblocks workshop rarely draws teens, but she had insisted on attending. She came up to talk to me afterwards. Her sexual abuse had begun when she was under two years old. When it was discovered, and she was placed in a "safe" environment, new perpetrators picked up where the old ones left off.
Still Virgins	As tears welled up in my own eyes, I shared with them my conviction that your virginity cannot be taken away from you; it can only be given away. I explained that because sexual abuse is a crime of violence and control, not a crime of passion, and though the dictionary and medical science would not agree with me, I believed that in the eyes of God they were still virgins.
Who Sinned?	. . . he raped Janie and her mother. Seeking spiritual support, Janie shared her trauma with her pastor and his wife. Their counsel? "Surely this happened because of sin in your life." Sin in her life? What garbage!! This is stupidity gone to rot!! This is almost criminal!! It's . . . it's . . . it's toxic, it's satanic, it's toxic and satanic!!! That's the only way to describe it.
Ignorant of the Enemy	It tells of a family whose daughter, Jenny, got caught up in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend. The first thing I noticed was that Matt was 19 years old, Jenny was 15. A man dating someone four years younger is a small matter when the couple is in their late 20's or older. However a teen male dating a girl several years younger than him is a cause for concern. It is usually indicative that he is insecure and intimidated by girls his own age.
Someone Got It Right	Her husband was a pastor, a pastor with a violent temper that was continually vented upon his wife. The physical abuse was so brutal her neighbors could hear her screams. . . . It came to a head one night when she fled out the front door in an effort to escape from a violent attack. Her husband caught her by their car in the driveway and continued to beat her mercilessly. Throwing her suitcase into his car, her neighbor confronted the perpetrator. As he held him at bay, Norma passed her children over the front fence, packed them into the car and made good their escape.
Protecting The Flock	I have become increasingly concerned as I have lamented the failure of ministries to protect their members from the sexual predators and perpetrators of domestic violence in our society that I may appear to be disillusioned with Christ's church. Although I have grieved over the church's failures, I have fought to keep from getting cynical over them by keeping focused upon Christ, the author and finisher of our faith. As I am fond of saying, " God has His Ways and Means Committee, He means to have His way!" And He will, in spite of our failures or the failure of His church!
Unexpected Fruit	To my surprise, one the students excitedly raised her hand and said, "Let me introduce him!" I must confess that I was puzzled, for I had never this student until I had walked into the classroom that morning. "Joe's ministry has transformed my daughter's life. We had a very angry teenager on our hands that was making the entire household miserable. One night she visited a youth group of a local church and heard Joe Paluszak ministering on Sexual Abuse and Prevention. When she came home she asked to speak to me alone. She confided with me that she had been sexually abused at a very young age.
A Stronghold of Darkness Destroyed	A little girl's hand shot up, she looked to be about nine years old. At first I tried to ignore her hand, most of the time kids don't have questions relevant to the program. But she persisted and continued to wave her hand at me. Finally I called on her. "What if they make you swear to God not to tell?"
Two Sides of the Coin (Domestic abuse towards men.)	After New Man, published a cover story on domestic abuse against women, the editors were shocked to find themselves inundated with letters from anonymous husbands begging the magazine to tell the other side of the story. These men were literally pleading with the church to take their plight seriously.
Healing Love	He almost lost the chance to grow up. At the age of two, he was admitted to a hospital malnourished, battered, almost dead. He later wished he was dead, but no one heard his silent cries! He listed the kinds of abuse he and his twin sister endured: "Placed on top of hot stove, forced to eat stool and bars of soap until he vomited, head split open many times with spiked dress shoes or a stick. Beaten without clothes on. The list goes on and on. He was beaten almost every day about 4-6 times per day."
Been There, Done It	Karen then explained to me that she had spent a year and a half in a violently abusive relationship. "Do you realize," I asked, "that the three primary danger signals of a cult are the same three primary danger signals of an abusive personality?
God’s Healing Grace	I never told anyone about the rape, I just scrubbed off the filth and the scent of man; I dressed my wounds and shoved the shame down so deeply into my body that, over the years, I forgot it was there. As a believer I would pray and minister to others and see them enjoy blessings I didn't believe I could ever have. I settled for the crumbs that fell from the Master's table. After all, it was better than nothing . . .
Lying Vanities Exposed!	There is a particular lying vanity that keeps the victims of abuse in deep emotional torment, even depression. This in turn keeps them from experiencing God's Healing Mercy. That lying vanity is called victim blaming. The perpetrator of Sexual Abuse and Domestic & Dating Violence always blames the victim.
Keep On Keeping' On!	At the conclusion of the service, a 21-year-old girl turned to her mother as they left the sanctuary. "If I had been taught that when I was their age, it would have saved me six years of pain!"
Police Chaplains 1, Child Abductors O	In addition to my ministry on abuse, I work as a volunteer Virginia Beach Police Chaplain. Last Saturday I pulled into the parking lot at the Lynnhaven Mall in a Police Chaplain car, and a woman ran up to me in hysterics. "He's stealing my children, he's stealing my children," she screamed.
Memories	Memories can work for us or against us. They can recreate moments of love, security and fulfillment, or they can recreate moments of pain, anguish and devastation, and here's the key, we can chose our memories by choosing our thoughts!
Sticks & Stones . . .	Verbal abuse, the most under rated form of abuse in our society today. The children's ditty "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," is a lie from the pit of hell. Broken bones heal, but the wounds of words can fester for a lifetime.
The Voice of Wisdom	The only thing she wanted to do was take a shower and burn her clothes. Her parents, in a near panic themselves, raised no objections. It was big sister who raised a voice of wisdom. "No," she said, "That would destroy the evidence. We need to take her straight to the hospital for a rape exam. She'll need a change of clothes; they'll keep the clothes she's wearing to gather evidence from. The police will meet us there. We should also call the local Rape Crisis Center, they'll have someone meet us there."
Truth Will Set You Free	I was told day after day that she wished I was never born. I often wondered why I had thoughts of suicide as an adult. Long story . . . blah, blah, blah . . . I was told by the church that to seek counseling meant lack of faith and that someone like me was just feeling sorry for herself.